Hello All, I am Karla Carvajal

Two years ago today, on Feb 18th, 2015, my life changed forever. The past two years have been hands-down the most difficult years of my life (and I’ve had a few doozies for the record!). For those of you close to me who have walked this road with me, all I have is “Thank You. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for being in this season with me. You have carried me and you know who you are.” For those of you who are “close” to me but had no idea, all I can say is I’m sorry. I’m sorry for not having the opportunity to share. Today marks an important day, because last year I had something written I wanted to share but I couldn’t do it. I was still hurting and the pain was still too much. This year, God has moved greatly and I feel ready to begin a process of sharing and a new season of healing. The two year mark seems like a good day to do that!

One very difficult struggle for me is finding a balance between being “real” and being appropriate for social media. I haven’t wanted to make Facebook my personal diary and yet wanted to somehow share a “struggle” in order to be real. Transparency has always been a quality I hold tightly to and also admire in others. The fact that this story is not only mine, but involves another person, makes sharing very confusing and very hard. Many knock Facebook for it’s “fake” portrayal of highlight reels of peoples’ lives. I pray that has never been true for me. For me, Facebook has been a tool to be able to be in contact with many loved ones thousands of miles away in other countries as well as share life with my friends who I love dearly but due to life change, don’t get the chance to connect with on a regular basis. It was as easy as that. This suddenly changed in Feb of 2015, when my life as I knew it changed. My husband confessed a hidden addiction to pornography, an addiction that over time turned into a sexual addiction. He confessed where that addiction led him inside and outside our marriage. A story I wouldn’t have believed if you paid me a million dollars (literally) and one that shook my reality so fiercely it took me months to face the very rise of the morning sun. Finding normal was absolutely impossible and breathing and sleeping was literally at the top of my list for months as both felt impossible. That year, if you scroll back, you will see many bible verses, encouraging posts, and statements that were the cry of my heart. I was in survival mode for a good year and didn’t know what “real” meant anymore.

From the day I found out, the journey we have been on as a couple is deep and complicated. I could write pages about that journey alone as it’s as real, raw, and painful as a story of love and betrayal can get. It is also full of love, repentance, forgiveness, faith, hope and the restoration that ONLY God has to offer. It’s an incredible story. We would not have found healing without him and we are still on that journey, although we have made so much progress. It’s incredible because without Him leading us, our marriage would certainly be one of death, loss and destruction. Someday I will speak about that. But this is an attempt to be open and share what has been going on in my life, and how God has sustained me. It’s my first step to boldly put my brokenness out for all to see and allow God to use it to bring hope to someone else who can’t see beyond their horrible circumstance. I’ll start here and as I feel God leading to share more in the future, I’ll do so. For now, this is where I want to start.

 My story most importantly is a testament that God will and can be glorified in any and all circumstances; as evil and bad as they might be. The lessons I’m learning are profound, life-altering, faith-changing, hope-giving, eye-opening, and God-glorifying. Even though I’m not out of the woods, I can say today with certainty, our God is a good Father, a God who cares about the details of our lives, a God who will show up and give us all we need when life is literally more than we can handle. When life seems hopeless and wrong is winning, it’s in those moments God is moving to make and teach us something terribly good. (Can I get an AMEN!) My story is a testament to what God can do when we push through and keep our eyes fixed on Him in the most unfair and difficult of circumstances, trusting He can redeem anything and anyone.

 I have fought, feared, refused, and shuttered most of this journey, unable to see how or why I was placed in such a place, with so much at stake, and so much to lose. For a girl who spent her life waiting for the day she would marry a man who loved the Lord , be a mom, and have a family to love and care for. I loved and cared so well. So ready to do big things for God and raise kids who had a deep understanding of a God who loves them and how terribly special that makes them, ready to impact the world for Him. I was on a high living this beautiful life, getting ready for the good stuff because my kids were finally getting more independent, when it all came tumbling down, and everything most dear to me was at stake in the matter of minutes. It was a terrible joke, a worst nightmare being played out in my own life. Literally unbelievable and terribly life-shattering. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.

I have prayed for the day I would openly share the journey I have been on and am still on. I lost myself on that February day. Lost who Karla is and who God created her to be. I’ve been on a journey of rebuilding ever since. It cut me to the core and God has been building me me one layer at a time, one day at a time. He has been hard at work in me, teaching me who I am and Who I belong to (through counseling, lots of time in His word, friends, and countless other ways). I have met women through “God circumstances” and those women have spoken courage and life to me because of their own stories. I am so grateful for those women. He has spoken victory in the midst of visible tragedy and hope in the midst of hopelessness. He has given me so much COURAGE. Only He can do that, and I praise Him for what he’s done and still doing in me and the indescribable strength He has poured over me when I couldn’t. The song Oceans by Hillsong has spoken life to me as it says, “Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders. Let me walk upon the waters wherever you would lead me. Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander And my faith will be made stronger In the presence of my Savior.” I’m learning more than I ever would have dared to learn as I was placed deeper than I ever would have gone. Love, what is that anyways? Forgiveness, really? Sin, I had no idea. Redemption, yeah right. Hope, no way! Faith? Patience, I don’t have more. Pain, I can’t handle it. Restoration, impossible. Yeah, I’ve been deeper in these subjects than I ever desired and am learning more than I ever would have asked. As horrible as the process has been, what I’ve learned about those subjects is more beautiful and mysterious than words can describe. They aren’t just words anymore, they are words of life offered to me through a God who has experienced them all. Knowing He paved the way allowed me to give myself to Him, humble myself, asking that He mold and teach me about each, trusting He would take me to the best possible outcome as I asked for His guidance. He has been leading me , one day at a time, and I’m starting to see the light, finally.

I’ve known for years that His word brings LIFE to those who are weary, but it is because of His word, through the bible, that I have been “still” before the Lord and waited on His lead, even when that felt humanly impossible. He has brought LIFE through His word to this weary soul time and time again. Looking back, and even today, I still can’t believe how His hand sustained me, it certainly wasn’t because of my own strength. I’m so thankful for His word and the power it has given me to live out HIS desires (which have definitely been counter-cultural and MANY times counter to my own natural instincts) in the most difficult of times. For over a year, I could NOT see how this circumstance could turn out good or why fighting through the pain would bring a result that could bring happiness again. I can’t tell you how many times I wished He would lead me far far away. So many things would be different today if I would have acted on that. Somehow I waited. It was His strength, not my own. Only He can do that. I’m SO very thankful.

Many times in my hurt, my own sin surfaced and the ugliest parts of me came to life. That has been a battle that with God’s help I’m learning to have victory over. I have struggled with the sins of bitterness, anger, rage, doubt, fear, hate, and so much more. All normal, but over time, all things that must be placed at the foot of the cross so Christ can heal and bring freedom. If not, they lead to destruction. I felt like I was being eaten from the inside out as I faced and worked through my feelings. I’ve learned more than ever that the battles we face in this world are NOT against flesh and blood, but against the evil powers of this dark world (Eph 6:12). It’s interesting how darkness can prevail in our lives because of a tremendous hurt that has been done to us. We can see our circumstance through the darkness and be shaped by that (which I did often in the first year), or we can shine God’s light on our circumstance and allow Him to interpret it and allow His truth to bring meaning to it, and be lead by that. God has allowed me to go through this process which has given me a glimpse of how difficult it is to face our hurts and deal with our own sin in the process, allowing Him to heal us. It helped me better understand my husband’s hurts and how those things have impacted him greatly throughout his life, even as a child. Dealing with deep hurts and shining the light on them is not for the weary, it’s the most difficult process ever. But, a battle worth fighting because God already has the victory! And true healing feels so very good. It’s true freedom.

Two years later, I’m learning to walk with my head up (not down in shame and embarrassment..although those feelings still linger), ready and willing to see the lemonade God wants to make with the bucket of lemons that were dealt. My story stinks, but it’s mine, and over time, l’m learning to embrace it, even though some days are still hard. This is what God does. It astounds me. It moves me. It makes me want to share my story, because I know there are some out there who will wake up to a day like mine (or already have), where their world will be shattered and they will be crawling in the trenches of fear, hurt, betrayal, devastation, shame, embarrassment, and utter hopelessness. I can meet them there because I have been there. I want to speak hope, victory and courage to others because those things have been POURED over me throughout my journey. Don’t give up. Hold on tightly, more tightly than you ever dared, to a God who is always there. God can take any circumstance, even one that outwardly looks like he’s already lost, and turn it into a story where He ultimately wins. A biggest mistake can become God’s biggest miracle. Marriages can be restored.

There is still a lot of winning to be done in our story, but what He has done with ME is a WIN, and if that is the only WIN (which it is not), I’m thankful for the astounding truths I’ve learned along the way. I’m not the same person I was two years ago. I know God in a way I never knew, have experienced Him more deeply than ever, and have an identity and peace in Him greater than I had. Still much to learn, but seeing so much growth after two years of painful “waiting.” I’m just starting to see and believe these things….they didn’t come over night….almost TWO years to see it. Hold on tightly and wait.

As much as it depends on me, I want to speak out to hopefully protect others from the pain and destruction that pornography causes. This silent killer is rampant in our homes and in our marriages. It must stop. Some disasters are random, but the effects that pornography had on my marriage could have been avoided. I wish I would have been more aware and educated on how to deal with a husband who says he struggles with pornography every once and a while. His love for me had always been unwavering so I voiced concerns along the way (prayed for victory), yet allowed him to “deal” with it in his time and his way, even when I knew he wasn’t seeking help. This was one of the biggest mistakes I made. Never could I have imagined what was behind the lie he led me to believe, that his struggle was small and harmless. Porn is a drug and users seeks higher highs as time goes on which often leads to sexual addiction. Porn use doesn’t lessen or go away over time, it increases in intensity and quantity, turning to a handful of other destructive behaviors. This cycle CAN stop IF users uncover the secret and seek help to confront and address the sin. Confess your sins one to another and I will heal you says the Lord (James 5:16). My husband is a living testimony of this truth today. Praise be to God, it is a miracle.

I would love to be a voice for parents, teens (boys and girls), married couples, and wives to open their eyes to the effects of porn on individuals, marriages, and families. 80% of Christian men struggle with pornography. If you are reading this and are married, more than 80% of you are in this battle and don’t know it. I know more about this battle than I ever hoped and will not sit quietly while this silent killer grows in rapid rates, destroying souls and marriages one at a time. The pain is unbearable and the destruction is deeper than one could imagine. I don’t know exactly how God wants to use my story, but I’m willing to put it out there and let God do the work.

 I’m VERY proud to say that Christian and I are on a road of healing and restoration. We have fought tooth and nail to restore this marriage and it has been the most painful process ever. We haven’t arrived and still have many difficult days finding “normal.” But, I give God the glory, because it truly is a miracle we are still together. After two years, I think we see more sun than darkness and more happiness than tears. For that, I am grateful and I look to the day when we are battling this ugly sin together, and proving to the evil one that he messed with the wrong couple. God will be glorified through the pain he caused. Until then, I’ll keep my eyes on the One who can take us there.

Stay tuned friends and if you are the praying type and my family comes to your mind, please pray for us. Pray that He continue the good work He is doing in us, the work that He prepared in advanced for us to do. Pray that we stay the path and that we are protected by the evil one of this world who seeks to steal and destroy. Pray that God will be glorified in mighty ways as we continue to heal and live and share our story. If you know of someone who might need to hear these words today, please share with them. If you feel led to contact me for any reason, please do. If you just want to share what it meant to you, do that too. I have no agenda. Just doing what has been on my heart to do. Thanks for reading and being a part of this. It is a big terrifying step for me in my personal journey but one I feel is necessary and good.

Even now, but someday with more confidence, I’ll smirk at satan and with passion in my voice, Genesis 50:20 and Ephesians 3:20 will roll off my tongue like butter……...”And as for you, you meant to harm, but God turned it into good for the saving of many.” and “For He is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work in us, to Him be the glory in the church and for all generations, forever and ever, Amen.” And this my friends is a profound mystery. To God be the glory. Tomorrow is the 19th and I’m so ready to turn the page on this two-year marker and finally having the courage to share my story. God bless you all friends.